You’re out of cash. And out of town. Master Charge [1973]

It’s hard to imagine, I suspect, a time when you couldn’t just wave a bit of plastic at Wal-Mart and they’d give you anything in the store.  This 1973 ad for Master Charge is a relic of a by-gone era…

1973 Master Charge

Ad Text:

Relax – You’ve got Master Charge
Vacation? Business trip? Whenever you travel, and you need money, you can get it with your Master Charge card. it’s good for cash at over 14,000 banking offices across the U.S. And, if you like, you can stretch out your payments.

It’s amazing to think that today there are probably 14,000 places in Indiana alone that will take my Visa card.  What a long way we’ve come in almost 40 years.  OK.  Fine.  It’s not all that impressive progress… but it is progress… or IS it….?

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Change the way your hair looks. Without cutting it. Brylcreem [1973]

Sometimes I like to post these and try to add a bit of random dry humor just to spice things up a bit. This time (and if you’re lucky, many times to follow) I’m not really feeling like I need to say much of anything. The early-70s hair stylings really do speak for themselves.

1973 Brylcreem

Ad Text:

Side Part
Side hair is groomed under and towards your cheek. Top hair goes to the side then back away from your face. If your hair has a mind of its own, use a spray of Brylcreem Soft Hair Dry Spray with Protein before you start blow-drying. It does two important things for longer hair: conditions and controls. Spray it on, then massage it into your hair and scalp. The protein penetrates your hair shafts, helping to protect your hair from the parching effect of blow-drying. And the styling control of Soft Hair will help you get your hair going where you want it. And keep it there.

No Part
If you can’t be bothered with blow-drying or you’d like to look more mature, try this. Spray your towel-dried hair with Soft Hair Dry Spray with Protein and massage it in. This puts styling control where you need it: down deep in your hair. Then, with your brush, groom all your hair straight back against your head. You’ve got a forehead again. Earlobes too. Flip the hair at your neck out and up. Use the brush at the crown to lift your hair and turn it under. This gives a little extra height where you may need it. Another spritz of Soft Hair where your natural part may be trying to appear will help prevent it from doing so.

Center Part
The last time you parted your hair on the side it either fell in your food or made you look lopsided. Try a center part instead. With your hot-comb or blow-dryer, turn your hair forward and under on either side of the part. Starting from the part, your hair should go away from your forehead, towards your cheek and back to your ear. An S-shape. This makes your hair flip out at the bottom. From the end of the part down the back of your head all hair goes up and under for fullness. At the very bottom make the ends flip by turning them up. And don’t forget Soft Hair Dry Spray with Protein. Its conditioners will counteract the effects of a hot-come or blow-dryer. And it’ll control your hair while keeping it healthy-looking. After all, if your hair is dull and dried out, all the styling in the world won’t help the way you look. That’s why, no matter what style you decide on, we’ve got a product that will help you.

Alright, all that fun out of the way, would any of you gals out there date a man with such a do? Clearly it worked for guys at one point but the style of this bygone era is simply too befuddling to behold.

Further, I get the sense that during the third section there that describes the ‘Center Part’ they got to the end of the instructions and realized suddenly that they’d forgotten to actually sell the product. The bit about “Soft Hair Dry Spray with Protein” (or SHaDSP for short) seems tacked on as if the writer just came to the realization after crafting his text that “oh shit! I still have a product I need to sell!” So lost in his textual reverie that he forgot the whole meaning of his writerly existence.

Levi’s Panatela Slacks – not $lacks [1973]

Today’s post makes me absolutely weep with nostalgia. I yearn so much to go back to the days when the clothes featured in this ad were not only acceptable but in fact in vogue. Now that you’ve had your monthly dose of sarcasm, I bring you Panatela Slacks.

1973 Levi's Panatela Slacks

Ad Text:

The people who’ve been selling you slacks have been pulling your leg. They would have you believe that a fine pair of slacks always carries a fine price tag. “Fine slacks,” they intone, “show meticulous – and therefore expensive – attention to detail. Pockets lie flat. Patterns match nicely at the seams. Proper stitches are in their proper places. And the rich fabric drapes comfortably on the human form.”

We agree. And we don’t agree. You can certainly tell a fine pair of slacks by how well they’re made. But not by how much they cost! Levi’s Pantela Slacks are priced on a trifle above your average work-around-the-yard pants. Which puts their price six triples below your average work-around-the-office pants.

Yet despite their sensible cost (around $12 to $22, instead of $30 to heaven knows what), the economy of Levi’s Panatela Slacks is noticeable only to your wallet.

Upon close examination, one sees that pockets lie flat; patterns match; stitches are perfect; and the fabric drapes comfortably, naturally and handsomely on your human form. Sometime soon, visit a men’s store and try on a pair of Panatela Slacks. See if you can tell any difference between our Slacks and their $lacks. Other than the $. We’re all but certain that you’ll walk out owning a pair of Panatela Slacks. Because legs were made to be fitted. Not pulled.

Putting aside the absolute atrocity of the product being sold here by today’s standards of fashion, the text of this ad strikes me very favorably. It’s articulate and detailed and fairly convincing. Not to mention, I dig anything that a guy with a mustache like that wants to sell me.

PS: I can’t deny that those slacks with the dollar bills on them really rock my world. I wonder if they come in that king of fabrics, polyester. Wow!